Wednesday, June 22, 2005
A Sad State of Affairs
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Doogisms: 3-21-05 to 5-25-05
Actually, it is the front of Monro that is a-blaze with the golden, shimmering rays of old sol. I can see Joe, Harley, and the boys coating their bodies with axle grease and shadin’ their eyes with their Serengeti knockoffs in an attempt to protect themselves from the blinding, blistering rays of the hot Indiana morning sun. They’ve got those fans a-goin’ in an attempt to keep the inside temps from rising to a level so uncomfortable they won’t be able to crawl under the cars they are a-fixin’. They had been a-prayin’ all winter for days like this. But now that they are here the boys are a-wonderin’ if maybe their prayers got misdirected. I can hear Harley moaning, “It’s hotter than hell in here, Joe!” as he approaches his tune-up like a heart surgeon about to perform a delicate procedure. Joe shudders and replies, “Harley watch what yur a-sayin’. The “dark one” is always a-lookin’ fer a soul to steal.” Harley replies, “Why Joe, that can’t be. You know W banished all the evil ones from the shores of America. No self-respectin’ prince of darkness would ever mess with the chosin’ one.” Harley’s words appear to have found their mark; Joe sighs with relief, “I fergot that wez the chosen people. Thanks Harley, I needed that.” So the boys at Monro, like the rest of Americans can go about their business of the day knowing that nothing sinister or bad could happen on W’s watch. Them boys coming home in boxes from Iraq will attest that, won’t you boys? Unlike Harley them boys don’t seem to have nothin’ to say.
Monro Muffler & Brake is deserted. Joe, Harley, and the rest of the boys are staging a walkout in protest of the selection of Benedict XVI as the new pope (Actually it such nice day; they just want to get outside!). All of the boys said they emailed their vote for george W to firstname.lastname@example.org. Hey, we all know george W is holier than Thou! The boys had been wearing their special-order, cardinal red Monro shirts in support of george W ever since John Paul II cashed in his chips. To add insult to injury, His Holiness still owed Joe for the tune-up the boys did on the Pope-mobile when he campaigned for george W and my bitch Mitch last fall. Fat chance in heaven of ever collecting on that. Hell, that new guy can’t even speak good English.
Come to think of it neither can george W.
4-7-05 April Showers Sale
The bargains at Monro are dropping like rain out of the sky. Everything is on sale during hallelujah days. Joe just hired a new grease jockey named Noah who keeps mumbling, “Gotta build that ark before the floods come.” Joe figures he must be talking about the masses of true believers who will swamp the store once they hear you get a pair of dice for your mirror just for being one of the Monro faithful. That surely won’t be lost on them once they’ve found their way to Monro. Nevertheless, Joe’s a little confused as to why Noah is also saying, “Gotta pair em up.” Well hell, surely Noah knows everything at Monro comes in pairs-shocks, struts, brakes, and even tires for the front and back. Why, it would be a sin to only sell a customer one of something. Two of kind is always better. Joe’s won many a poker hand with only a pair. So, from his viewpoint it’s a sure bet. Joe is, however, a mite concerned as to why the water seems to be rising in the streets. He has never seen it quite that deep on Keystone before. Sewers must be backed up or something. Still, it has been raining for 20 days straight. Some fool weatherman who calls himself, Prophet, is talking another 20. Better make sure we’re stocked with lots of Heavenly rain tires. Like Monro’s slogan preaches, “Them babies walk on the water.” Joe knows the sale of those tires will keep Monro afloat. He sighs and utters, “Let it rain. It’ll wash away the red ink from last month’s disastrous sales. It’s a good thing I fired that salesman, Jesus. He just wasn’t the miracle worker I thought he was. But hey, this guy Noah’s got us swimming in business.” Harley nods in agreement and adds, “Noah’s put the faith back in a couple of the boys. Hope he doesn’t sail away too soon. We’d be drowning without him.”
3/31/05 Window of the World
The clouds are hanging low over Keystone Avenue this morning. Kind of like the spirits inside Monro. Sadness abounds. The miracles the boys had hoped for have not come to pass. Mufflers, shocks, and brake pads are stacked to the heavens. A sense of desperation abounds. Harley suggests that perhaps their faith has not been strong enough. After all, the big man demands blind faith. Joe, struggling to keep the boys believing, suggests, “Maybe an endorsement from george W would help. Those right-wing fundamentalists believe that boy is a gift from God. Didn’t he deliver us from the evils of the left-wing commie Democrats? I bet he would be glad to say few kind words about our products, especially after he prays about it for a second or two. That’s about how it took to make up his mind about Hussein. Like the good book says, “Vengeance is my mine sayeth george W., I mean Lord.”
Perhaps that’s part of the problem- the boys just don’t seem to believe the economy is rebounding like george W keeps saying it’s going to. Hey, the anointed one would never mislead us. Look at what he did in Iraq, yeah right! Lest we forget, george W is ‘a born-again, you know. Did it all himself. Kicked the evil habits of drinking and drugging. Dipped his head in the commode and found redemption. Toilet water sure enough has healing powers. Many an intoxicated sinner will attest to that! Ah, if it could only be so simple for the boys at Monro’s.
Meanwhile, Joe is doing his best to rally the troops, but to no avail. The devil’s work is at hand. Dissension is growing in the ranks. Ted and Ned are grumbling not only about losing their jobs, but also about their government pensions. According to the boys’ way of thinking, george W and his disciples seem to have some mighty peculiar ideas when it comes to the social security thing. Guess they subscribe to scripture, “What Franklin Delano Roosevelt giveth and george W taketh away. Oh well, easy come, easy goes.
3/29/05 Boys at Monro
The boys at Monro look a bit dejected this morning. The “Burning Bush After-Easter” sale just isn’t catching on. Designed to pull in the non-believers. Those lost souls who just don’t have faith in the blessed products Monro has to offer. Hey, Monro’s brakes, shocks, and mufflers are endorsed by the big boy himself. He wouldn’t think of leaving Cloud 9 w/o “Walk On Water” tires from Monro. I just heard Joe lament to Harley, “it’d take miracle to get ‘em here today. I wish Jesus hadn’t shot his wad on that rolling the rock trick on Friday. The big waste of course was that ascension thing on Sunday. Hell, we’re not even open on Sunday. What was he a thinkin!!!! He always has thought he is a savior to the company. One of these days the big boss upstairs will nail him to the cross. Then maybe he’ll get the point. You can’t piss off the money boys and not expect repercussions. Right Harley?” Guess the boys will just have to be at peace feeding the doves while they wait for a potential convert to bite. After all, you got to have faith.
3/24/05 “The Jesus Sale”
I know it’s a little early in the morning, but the boys at Monro look a mite worried. Not a customer to be seen, except a kid on his way to school who brought his bike in to have his tires rotated and the chain greased. Never mind that it is small job, the boys are treating him like a king. Giving him fluids and vacuuming the dog hair off his black hooded sweatshirt. In and out in less than 15 minutes. The kid mumbled on his way out, “You don’t get service like that much anymore.” He promised he’d be back in 4-5 years when he could drive. Joe, the manager, remarked, “The boy looks like an honest lad; I think he will return.” The prospect of this customer of tomorrow seems to have brought a slight twitch to the upper lips of the boys. Could it be a smile? Its may just be traces of one, but it’s clear the boys have hope. Maybe it’s a sign. Speaking of signs - The one draped across the top of the building is definitely an eye catcher. “Jesus Brake Sale-The Price Won’t Nail You To The Cross.” Quiet a little play on words, but that Joe is always coming up with some real catchy little promos. I still can’t forget the one for the eternity shocks. “Even if you travel to the roads of hell, you can count on a heavenly ride. We’re burning up the competition.” Ah, the word according to Joe.
3/24/05 “I’m Eternally Optimistic"
Hey, I just saw one of the boys at Monro’s push out a rack of tires. There’s a sign on it that says. I can’t quite make it out, but I think it says, “No hydroplaning with Jesus tires. They can walk on water.”
3/23/05 “The Sky Is Crying” God must be sad. Water is falling from the sky. I wonder if Jesus did something “bad” that is making him cry. Maybe business is bad at Monro and he is a stockholder in the company???? I guess those mufflers made in heaven aren’t selling well. Evidently that eternity guarantee isn’t catching on like they thought it would. That fish symbol embossed in the metal turns off a lot of meat eaters. Also, lots of complaints from customers about the “Road of Life” shock absorbers not holding up well handling the bumps in the road. They say it’s a pretty rough ride. Oh well, the oil from water trick is still drawing them in for the $9.99 oil change. Hey, what do you expect for $10 bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Free bread???????????????
3/22/05 “The Sound of Music”
The blaring of the horns. The humming of the tires. The sounds of the cars as they go roaring by is like music to my ears. Inside I can see the glee on the people’s faces. Knowing they will soon arrive at their destinations to begin anew another day. Their joy radiates through the steel structures that encase them. Their eagerness is contagious. It is so intense it stimulates the boys at Monro to open their doors even earlier than usual. Bring on that oil change sings Joe. He needs to feel the grease underneath my fingers and to smell the dirty oil. Then and only then will he truly feel alive. Ted is envious b/c his tune-up isn’t on time. He can feel the tension and anticipation. Oh, to have the wrenches in his hand once again. Like a conductor, he is anxious to begin the first movement of the symphony. It is more than I can bear. I, too, need to feel the keyboard keys against the tips of my fingers. I am ready to create another masterpiece. It’s good to be an American. Thankee George W for keeping me safe and making this all possible. I’m just glad God retired and let you take over His job. You do it so well.
3/21/05 “Like People on Broadway”
People in NY would pay big bucks to have a view like I have. The cars look so shiny this morning. Must be the sun reflecting off their clean finishes. No dirty cars on Keystone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can see Joe, Ned, and Tom over at Monro getting their first assignments of the day. They have big grins on their faces so they must be doing a job they like to do. Puttin’ on brakes and mufflers can be real fun. Makes me envious. It’s that Tom Sawyer syndrome you know. Enough about all the fun I’m havin’. How r u feeling Luv.